The Way

Life suddenly means something, I can , at last, feel.I had in a vacuum for so long,ever since I was a child.Things meant a lot to me as a child,especially little things,Big, billowy clouds perched over green mountains,frogs jumping off mossy logs into stagnant quarry water, snowball fights in a white golf course , a cool breeze,a dog licking my face , my father talking politics, pancakes all were significant to me, all made  me feel glad to be what ı was.

Then there was nothingness.It was like i had died within.No particular event had taken the spark out of life, only the steadaliy increasing knowledge that i was alone in a meaningless void.
Now i even feel as though i can cry again.To cry , to feel my body heaving in sobs, to release the pent up some thing that has been gnawing at my insides for so long  this could mean so much.It is just like my childhood again,all because of her.

She put purpose into my life again and i feel good.I had been alone for so long.At last it is different.Someone really cares.

Now i am going to talk to her father, it is the accepted thing.It is a warm spring day.The sun reflects off the windows of the browstone houses on the opposite side of the street.Children are playing,shiny cars are flitting past a squirrel spirals up a thin, young birch i whistle some Walt Disnet tune.
Meaningless faces, void of expression, pass; cars wait for red lights and go off again on green; children play hide n seek they always hide in the same place and the one who is it  always peeks; a man is arguing with a cop; a women fondles a fat, pink baby.
I couldn t event cry at my fathers funeral.
Cumulo-nimbus hover above the buildings to the west of me.I hasten my steps.
I could find no words of comfort for my mother.I was annoyed at her tears they were egotistical tears.She was only crying for herself.

People waiting for a bus; a couple carrying bundles out of an A and P; the crowds are leaving the streets and rushing into doorways; cars have their windshield wipers on it is raining.I hadnt  event noticed it.That was strange.Only after a while did i feel the big,cold drops that were already pelting my clothes and skin.Why hadnt i felt them before?

I take shelter under an awning of a furniture store.A middle aged couple are disputing over a possible purchase.It must be an important decision.It seems as though he doesnt like her choice or she doesnt like his.It all seems so ridiculosly trival.

I begin to think again.
Why did those kids play that silly game?It had no purpose and they all peeked anyway.Those cars waiting  for the red light why? Why should a machine tell them when to go and when to stop? No cars were coming the other way.They had stopped because a bulb with a red  glass over it had clicked on.The people in those cars had been slowed up in reaching their goals because of the workings of a machine! That man arguing with the cop why?What was so cataclysmic about getting a ticket? The man would have probably spent money he will pay for the fine on some foolish thing anyway.

She wanted me to get married in her church and i had agreed.She picked out the apartment and also where we were to spend out honeymoon.I had agreed to just about everything she said.She always places a good deal of importance on all of her decisions.She was sort of a perfectionist  fussy about clothes and eating habits.She worried about what other people might say.I couldnt care less.
The rain stops but the sky is still dark.The woman in the furniture store has made her point and the smiles proudly.The man has a resigned look upon his face.

What if i were late?I knew her parents would be upset.Suppose i had come in my sweatshirt?I could  just imagine the shocked looks upon their faces.Suppose i   burped after eating the meal that they were preparing for me without myself? Wow!

I come out from under the awning and start of again.This time things are not the same as before.

What if those card didnt make their destinations? All would be the same.Kids would still play hiden seek cops would still give out tickets, couples would continue to argue over furniture, it would rain again.

I realize again what i had known inwardly all along.She  means nothing to me and i really mean nothing to her.She wants the feeling that i give her and she is willing to spend the rest of her life with me just to retain it.She is in love with that feeling, not with me.

I feel nothing for anyone else, only myself.I am alone.Marriage, buying furniture,children playing, cars stoping and going, people rushing about all are illusions that i use deceive myself into thinking that life has purpose and order.I am all that exists, and i exist only for myself.

I smile to myself.Perhaps the whole human race is in the same predicament.Maybe this is the way it is and would always be.

I walk into a dark bar.”Give me a seven and not too much seven, please.”